I just got back from spending 7 days in Guatemala City, Guatemala on a missions trip. It was truly a life changing experience and there as so many memories that I will take from the trip. But while I was there I could not help but think about some very problematic thoughts and questions I kept having. Why is my heart not like that of God's? Why can't I feel for the poor and the unfortunate? I have now in my life been on missions trips to Mexico, Costa Rica and Guatemala and each time I am blown away by how people live and their not so great situations. This bothers me, well of course it bothers us but there is something more to it for me. I get frustrated that it takes me going on a trip to feel for the needs of the struggling people. Now I know that this is part of a missions trip to spark our desire to help. But as of right now I am 0 for 2 on having missions trips make a permanent change in me. I am not saying they have not been impactful, because they have. But as soon after I get back to my comfort bubble here in MN you really wouldn't be able to see a difference in my life. One of my selfish goals through this blog is to inspire myself into some life changes, and this is one area I need some change. I would be fairly surprised if I am the only person who suffers from this disease of not caring. I feel that the church as a whole struggles in this area. Now we do send out missionaries and have wonderful ministries that help people in need. But what I am getting at here isn't about those things. Its about each of us in our hearts truly feeling for the less fortunate. And there very little chance that anyone will be able to convince me that the church in the US has been sensitive to this. We all cry and get emotional during the videos on Sunday morning and some of us get out the checkbook and give something to help the sad people in the video. Some of us get motivated and decide we will help on a missions trip and we go and serve. All of these things are great but my question is, do we truly have a change of heart? Should we spend only a few moments each year thinking and caring about the unfortunate? Or does God call us to change our way of thinking? To truly mirror his heart for the unfortunate I think something needs to change in us. I guess I think of it this way, while Jesus was on this earth who did he spend his time with? Let's see tax collectors, former prostitutes and fishermen. Not exactly a who who's list but he wasn't here thinking the way we think. He was here for the lost and abandoned. It bothers me that as of yet I haven't been able to see things that way. This isn't a lightswitch I can flip but I feel that maybe now at almost 26 I am willing to let him change my heart for the lost and abandoned. I am excited to see where that leads me. Here are some words I wrote down while in Guatemala that I think help explain how I feel.
Time to Understand
Lord give me courage when things seem to overwhelm me
Lord give me strength when I can no longer move
Lord give me joy even when I want to despair
Lord give me hope when I have nowhere to turn
There are times when I cant go on
But I wont take your help
There are times where you seem so far away
to hear my whispers for help
Lord give me what I need for each day and nothing more
Lord give me wisdom to know when others need to hear
"He loves you"
Lord tangle my heart with yours so I begin to fade away
There are times when I will say no
Because I am scared of where yes will take me
There are times I wont go because
I lack the faith to trust you
Lord in the moment's that I can't
Let me learn that you always can
I am too selfish at times to be
compassionate for the needy
Lord give me your heart for the unfortunate
At my best I am a broken vessel
Lord heal me and fill me up
Make my reliance on you total
And make my praise for you continuous
Lord thank you for showing me it takes everything
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